A Poem

Riding On The Back of Denial by Kristin Hadley Schmoldt

It weaves into our minds and makes itself a cozy home
when we end our search for answers that aren’t there
it takes something like a tart word from someone who thinks they know better
to loosen the hold it has over us once it sets in
the day therapist number two said to me it wouldn’t be that hard
if I’d just accept the fact that my three year old will never be a doctor or a lawyer
but will probably go on to have a perfectly good job
cleaning football stadiums or bagging groceries
lowered expectations were the key and they were a lot of fine jobs
that could be done by the autistically inclined.
But he was building towers out of blocks and scribbling on paper
and loving the letter W and the number eight
and figuring out how doorknobs worked when he was just a baby
all that is still in his head isn’t it, because if it isn’t
where did it go?
She sighed and clearly did not want to agitate me
perhaps she said but most of the time
it never comes back
but he was different than the other children they talked about on the internet
he didn’t fit the checklist
different because he did talk once here and there
sometimes, if I tried hard enough
I could get some of it back even if it was just one peek a boo or one x-y-z
if he was like they said, why did he still smile at me and give me kisses?
How can he be one of them if he does all that?
One day he would go to school with the regular kids in a regular class
I told them all confidently when he was three
this was just a bump in the road
a small matter that would clear up with age
and they smiled indulgently and nodded in agreement
it might not be as serious as others had made it out to be
he was clearly a smart boy and would catch up soon
when he turned four they looked around the room at each other
no one wanting to be that bearer of bad news
and then at five they shook their heads and said
he just hadn’t made the progress they had hoped for.
It wasn’t until the day we brought our loud happy son into the lobby
of Whole Foods and some old lady
old enough by now to know better
said
RETARDED KID
as she walked past us
and I thought
is that what he’s become to the rest of the world?
Why didn’t I know?